Figless: Free From Masks, Free From Lies, Free From Shame

I feel like society has put a severe strain on christians into being perfect and if you don’t have it all together, then you must not really believe that the God you serve is good. and because of this view point, I’ve become cautious about telling people who aren’t my closest friends what is really going on in my life. so here it is:

the past two months, I’ve felt the lord tugging and hinting at me to be vulnerable and open up through a blog about the real me… and I think by the title and the end of this paragraph you can guess what I’m going to say. yep, you got it.

I’m not perfect. I don’t have it all together. and I am in no way, shape or form ashamed to admit that.

let’s be real. I’m a 22-year-old woman moving all the way across the globe for what? rice and beans? cold showers? I have a college degree in business management (well, I will in about a month), and I have decided to work for free in a third world country for an entire year? how does that make any sense? you see, to those who don’t know the One who called me it sounds insane. irresponsible, some may say. or maybe even stupid. to them, I’m trying to save the world myself when we all know who the real one is that saves.

*He saves bro*

I feel like I’m constantly crying because of the most simple, yet complicated and heavy weighted phrase “I don’t know.” I cried for 2 hours straight a couple nights ago while talking to our Dad about every single fear that has creeped in since I said yes to moving. I can’t even count on my hands how many times I must’ve said “Dad, I don’t know what I’m doing.” and his response always being, “but I do.” seriously. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what my future holds. but what I do know is that it’s okay. it’s okay to not have your ducks in a row, whatever that means. it’s okay to simply not know, and quite frankly, you don’t need to know. yes, life is crazy, chaotic and a lot of the times overwhelming. but in the midst of all the fog and chaos, the same One who called me to SFA and Uganda is constantly standing there making sure it never gets too dark during the storm.

A friend of mine recently confronted me about being honest with myself. She laid it all out on me. the things I had been thinking, she spoke them into existence. the feelings I had been feeling, she rebuked them back to the pits of hell. and the lies I had been believing, she spoke truth over them encouraging me to be real with those around me.

and as a christian, especially one who is so outspoken about her relationship with Christ, I have felt like I can’t be real with the world. but here it is, again. I love my Dad and I trust that He has chosen me to go to the place I call my second home for His good reasoning, but I’m still scared.

I mean, come on.

I’m human.

I’ll be leaving the absolute BEST community a girl could ask for filled with women who encourage me, men who set examples for me, and friends who I would literally stop to do anything for (except skipping out on Uganda, that I gotta do). I’ll be saying “see you later” to a family who loves me DEEPLY, and uncomfortably supports everything their daughter is called to and dreams of, from writing her own cook book at the age of 8 (I started out early as an entrepreneur) all the way to moving across sea. but most of all, I’ll be kicking my old, comfortable lifestyle to the curb and taking the largest leap of faith I could have ever imagined. I don’t know what the Lord is going to do, who im going to meet, or what I will see this time around in Uganda but what I do know is that His voice is what’s guiding me. He is who called me, and I am going to trust that He will take care of me. but just because I know these things, firmly believe them and are trying to walk in it daily doesn’t mean Satan won’t try to come and sneak in. his jobs are to steal, kill and destroy and BOY has he been at work. personally, I think he’s been working over-time too.

it’s taken me nearly 2 years to realize and confidently believe that our Dad wants good things for His children, and sometimes those good things look uncomfortable like a 28 hour plane ride or rice and beans for 365 days. but I do know that this is a good thing and there’s no need to be scared of it. I don’t have all the answers (I mean come on, I’m only 22) but I do know that the only answer I will ever need, as cliche as it sounds, is Jesus. I know that when people ask why? or how? or even for who? I can confidently and proudly say, “I do know. Jesus.”

on that note, I encourage you to recognize that it’s okay to not know. it’s okay to not have anything or everything together. our Dad doesn’t want you to be perfect, and He most certainly doesn’t need you to know everything either. He already knows, and He just wants you. He wants to speak life into you, speak truth over you and wrap His loving arms around you. He wants to guide you and stretch you, mold you and shape you. He wants to fill you with courage and strength and authority and peace and not just any old joy, but COMPLETE joy.

so surrender. give it up. we can’t live this life without Him.

go listen to The Road by Hosanna Poetry. it resonates with exactly how I’ve been feeling lately, and I think it’ll help explain more.