here’s to the Truth and what can come from it

I felt like it was about time for a new blog. I’m sorry I’ve been leaving you all hangin’ for a handful of months now. but I am back and better than ever. I can’t lie. I’m not okay and this blog is to be completely honest and vulnerable about what’s really been going on since I returned to the States.

before you start reading this, I just ask that you would take the time to stop and pray for an open heart and an open mind with everything you’re about to read, because this is a lot. also pray for my heart because my nerves are on about 100 since you decided to read this.

I think it would be smart to start from the “beginning,” which means from the day I stepped back onto American soil. for those of you that don’t know, I had been living in a village in Uganda for the past 10 months. I returned on July 5th, so a little less than 2 months ago. to say the readjusting is hard would be an absolute understatement. it has been overwhelming, heartbreaking, and completely earth-shattering. but in the midst of the mundane, my God has proven His faithfulness and how well He listens to my prayers and cries. in the past 2 weeks, I have had more “God moments” than I ever thought I needed in such a season of discomfort and confusion.

so, when I moved back to the States, I moved back in with my parents in Pearland with absolutely NO IDEA what the plan was besides scrambling to find some babysitting jobs until I found a “real job,” (whatever that really means).

I then proceeded to realize that I had very few, if anything one friend to dive into community with. this has been the first season EVER to have to put an effort to make a friend, they weren’t just “there.” because if you think about it, school (and missions) just naturally provides people to build a relationship with – whereas now, I’m learning what it means to actually try and make an effort to build genuine, life-giving friendships.

a little less than 2 weeks ago, I met with my old pastor from the church I attended while living in Pearland. we grabbed a coffee, as what most typical Christians do in this era, and I began to pour out how hard and uncomfortable this season is slowly but surely becoming. when I originally thought about coming home from Uganda, I also expected myself to move right back to Nac to jump right back into what I left – but if you know our Father and if you know me, you can guess that He is always asking me to be put in an uncomfortable situation and I undoubtedly always say yes to Him. that being said, He asked me to stay in the Houston area. I can confidently say I still don’t know why but I am slowly (and I mean like as slow as a snail) trying to trust the Lord with this entire season.
but back to the conversation, or should I say to the end of it, Kurt asked if I would come to church on September 1st (which is today for those of you that didn’t know – time runs fast here and I feel like I still can’t keep up) but I agreed so I wrote it in my planner.

fast forward to this past Thursday night, more like Friday morning at 1 am to be exact, I was driving home and I began to weep to my Father about how desperate I am for the friendships I believed He wants to flourish here in Pearland. I pleaded with Him begging for friendships that brought me life and for people who would want to listen when I speak of the things that bring me pain and joy, but also who would let me in on the parts of their hearts that are filled with hurt and excitement.

side-note: this is how desperate I was for friends – after 2 weeks of being back in the States, I made a poll on Instagram asking who was in the Houston area and who would want to be my friend. (not to be super discouraged, but not a lot of people responded….)
on another side-note: making friends honestly sucks and is super awkward, even rekindling old ones.

now we arrive to this morning. it was 9:09 when I texted Kurt, my old pastor, to tell him I was coming to church today. I arrived about 12 minutes before service started to come and find out that Lauren, Kurt’s wife, would be starting The Vineyard’s new series called “Behind Closed Doors.”

let me just say, God knows what He’s doing. always.

so. worship begins and the team proceeds to sing a song I had never heard before and my body began to be covered in chills and I was immediately reminded of my sweet and gentle Jesus. always sending me the most needed affirmations at the perfect time.
for those of you that don’t know the song, the lyrics read:

The Lord is my Shepherd
He goes before me
Defender behind me
I won’t fear
I’m filled with anointing
My cup’s overflowing
No weapon can harm me
I won’t fear

Hallelujah, I am not alone
He’s my Comfort,
Always holds me close

Psalm 23 (I am not alone) // People & Songs, Joshua Sherman

from the first words that came out of Lauren’s mouth, my eyes began to fill with tears and I immediately knew why Kurt had asked me to come specifically to church today. the entire sermon was about loneliness and it could not have been more relatable.

“fake it till you make it,” is a phrase that is meant to be an encouragement but it is honestly the complete opposite. it is the suppression of our true emotions. I mean think about it, if somebody asks you, “how are you?” your initial response would normally be “I’m good,” without even thinking twice about it – you could be in the lowest trenches and still respond the same way.
I am guilty of this friends. within the past 2 months, I have had countless interactions with people asking me how I was doing and my response without hesitation has been, “I’m doing good! how are you?” immediately redirecting the conversation onto the other person. reason being? I have allowed Satan to speak into my life, making me believe that people don’t actually care how I am because let’s face it – people don’t have the time or people just won’t understand (that’s what I hear in my brain). and I want to apologize in advance for lying to whoever has asked and not giving you the raw and ugly answer.

I have been telling myself that God wants me to be in this “lonely” season for reasons a, b and c aka blah blah and blah. it sounds dumb once I actually speak it out loud and type it out. my Father would never want me to believe that I am alone because I’m not, just as the song says above. He has never left me, He has been comforting me throughout this entire transition and I am undoubtedly grateful for a Father who cares specifically for me.

as Lysa Terkeurst said, “If the enemy can isolate us, he can influence us.” and that is exactly what I have allowed myself to do since being home. I go to work, come home and lay in bed all evening. scrolling through instagram, feeling a little thing called “fomo,” which means “fear of missing out,” believing that I have nobody that cares about me because they haven’t “checked on me.” I have grown bitter and angry with the people who I love most because friendships have shifted, genuine conversations have vanished and isolation has settled into my heart. I allowed the enemy to isolate myself without fighting back and I have built up spirits that aren’t of my sweet Jesus. this is what happens when we try to “fake it till we make it.” this is what happens when we hide and believe that is where we are supposed to stay.

Lauren then read Genesis 3:8-9, which states:

Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden at the time of the evening breeze, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. So the Lord God called out to the man and said to him, “Where are you?”

these past 2 months, I’ve been walking around faker than plastic surgery – smiling and posting pics on instagram like I’m super happy or something, when in reality, I go home only to hide and cry because I truly don’t understand what the Lord is doing with me here. I have absolutely no idea how to process the past year of my life in a place that has become so foreign to me but let me tell you something, people, in God’s family, hidden is NOT where we are meant to be.

When God asks Adam and Eve where they are, it’s obvious he knows where they are but he’s asking for them to communicate with Him. God is asking me (and you if you’ve been hiding or isolating yourself) to open the door back up. open the opportunity for community and connection. honestly, open the door to being uncomfortable and open my mouth to how I am really feeling. and this blog is me attempting to do just that.

I am lonely, but I don’t want to be.

at the end of Lauren’s sermon, she said, “there is a gift we are given when we choose to be vulnerable with God and with others in our needs.” so here’s to the truth about me and the Truth of our Living God, and whatever may come from the both of them. cheers to making a “new” place home, building a community from scratch and trusting that this season is going to be anything but lonely because as I wrote in my prayer journal this morning, “I know You want more for me because I know You are good and because I know You love me.”

if you read this far, I applaud you because this has to be the longest blog I’ve ever written but I also want to thank you. this was extremely hard but I believe that my Dad will use this only for good things in the future. feel free to leave a comment, share your hardships with or without loneliness, or any encouragement you may have to help me (and others!!!) through this season.

also if you wanna be my friend, reach out to me!!! I don’t bite!